The Stranger Stories Season - 1 Episode 6

Tree

It was a little like swimming through treacle. If the treacle was made of wood, that is. Maybe it was more like walking through a bramble patch that didn't have any air between the brambles. In the dark. Naked.

I held onto his arm for dear life. My life that is. I'm sure that my fingers drew blood, luckily he didn't complain.

The first ten seconds were the worst. Then the next ten seconds after that - the strangely oppressive nature of being totally surrounded, being part of, wood, would have made the hairs on the back of my neck raise, if they had anywhere to raise to.

Then the next ten seconds, when it occurred to me that I didn't actually know how I was able to breathe, those were the worst.

Then, the next ten seconds, whilst I hyperventilated, were most definitely the worst. The very worst. Can you imagine not knowing what or how you were breathing? It was not like being under water, it was not like having a bag over your face with an Italian voice telling you to stop struggling, it was more indescribable than a very indescribable thing.

Suddenly, there was air! I fell out of the tree and stumbled forwards, chocking and spluttering as the fresh air filled my lungs. I tripped over a twelve inch tall metal acorn and fell to my knees, retching.

I waved an arm behind me, vaguely at the stranger, and spluttered, "Don't take me in one of those things again!"

"You mean a Tree?" his voice came, Agent Smith-like, "Strange, I've been travelling through trees my whole life and not seen anyone with such a response." I felt his hand rest gently on my back as my stomach heaved. "I am sorry for your discomfort." He said, truly seeming so, "I'll find another way back for you."

I coughed a final racking cough and wiped my face on my sleeve. Oh well, that'll have to go in the wash tonight.

He helped me to me feet, and, in deference to a million years of history of men-falling-over, I dusted myself down. I stroked a hand through my hair, I know there's not a lot of it, but it seemed to be pointing in every possible direction other than "down".

"Business." I said, nodding.

My friend nodded back, "They are over here." He stepped towards the sculptures. I shook my head at the insanity of our task and thought back to how it started.

---*---

We'd been surprised, whilst looking around the wizard's tower - The "Woman" Mab and her apprentice had just appeared whilst we were investigating the death of the tower's wizard.

My friend, although still a stranger, lifted out the papers from within the book they'd been secreted in. He took sharp intake of breath, glared at his sister then stepped to the table. She stepped up next to him. The blond girl slid next to me.

"Exciting eh?" She said with a reasonably pleasant smile.

My friend and his sister were passing heated whispers to and fro. I cleared my throat. Just in case they'd forgotten me.

They turned to face us.

"There is a test." The stranger's sister smiled like a tiger eyeing its lunch.

"You must perform a spell."

The blond made a low clicking sound with her tongue. It didn't register with me for a minute. Then she elbowed me. "Betcha I'm faster than you!" She smiled.

Thud. It hit me.

"Er... you mean me?"

"You." My friend said, looking straight at me.

"And you." His sister looked at the blond.

She turned to me, "Edith.", holding her hand out as if she expected me to do something with it.

"Edith?" I said.

"My parents had such the sense of humour." She said, hand still pending.

"Nobby." I managed to say, finally taking her hand and shaking it.

"So did yours," she continued that unnerving smiling stuff, "May the best witch win."

"Erm." I wasn't sure whether she was being funny or just taking the piss.

There was a sound, a little like "spling!" from the table. The woman now held four pieces of paper, she handed one to Edith and one to me.

"This is a shopping list, of sorts." The stranger said. "Although I doubt we'll find many of these items in your usual shops."

"You have until next Saturday evening, at midnight, to locate the ingredients and return here to cast the spell."

"He has a strong enchantment cast - the one who has performed this task will receive the key to the tower and the books will open to him."

"Her." Mab said, with another cat-like smile.

---*---

Strangely, I managed to get most of the things on the list from Hobbycraft. But there was something that was eluding me. I'd tried Wickes and B&Q and Homebase but they sent me away with 'who is this nut job' looks in their faces.

Saturday lunchtime the Stranger found me in the town centre looking round the market.

"I still haven't got the 'concrete lactate'." I told him with a grump. "I've got no idea."

He laughed. "I know just where to fulfil that requirement." I'll be at your house after dark tonight. We will need the cover of night."

"That's cutting it a bit fine isn't it?"

He snirked, "It'll be fine."

---*---

So, it was about ten when I heard the knock on my door and I grabbed my leather, pulled a hat on my head and stepped out.

"We travel by tree." He told me, then took my hand and stepped into the oak tree in my front yard. He pulled me through.

---*---

So we'd stepped out of the tree in the shopping centre in MK. Surrounded by concrete cows.

"This one." My friend said, stroking the third one, it looked vaguely like a large badger. He held out a bucket to me. I gave him a sideways glance, as I'd not noticed that secreted about his body as we took the trip through the trees, although I must admit - I hadn't noticed much apart from nausea during the journey.

I knelt down next to the cow statue and, feeling like Jeremy Beadle was going to jump out at any moment, I wrapped my hands around the metal prongs the cow had in the stead of teats and squeezed.

There was strange shimmer over the statue and I could feel the teats pulsing in my fists. Something liquid squirted from them - I nearly let go with fright, but - well if you're going to be persuaded to milk a concrete cow you might as well expect it to work.

I noticed that I needed to keep an alternate rhythm with my hands, each teat squirted separately, it was a little like some running game on the BBC "B".

Humming "I am the Walrus" I quickly filled the bucket. The cow made a low moo as I released her teats and leant back.

I looked at the statue, smiling. "Thank you, Ermintrude." The cow's mouth didn't move but she still managed to give me a responsive moo.

I had to laugh.

I laughed.

I picked up my bucket of concrete-cow-milk.

"I'll be back." The Stranger said stepping towards the tree.

"I've heard that before." I said with a smile.

As he stepped into the tree he said "Go to the roof!"

I looked up. It was half past ten. I was standing in the middle of the Milton Keynes shopping centre, which was closed, with a bucket of... maybe milk...

I walked slowly towards Debenhams then got to the escalators. I stood on the bottom step and waited.

Then I really felt like an idiot - it wasn't going to start moving just because I'd stood on it. I traipsed up two flights of steps and walked towards the doors.

"Ah." I said, rattling the doors. "These feel a little locked." I then started round the top floor, testing each door as I got there. Finally I found a door that opened and stepped out to the top floor car park. The warm summer air gently blew litter across the ground. It's strange being in a car park when empty. I walked to the middle and waited.

And waited.

Then I waited a little more, just for the sake of it.

I looked down at the bucket of rather thick looking milk. The texture was more like cottage cheese than anything else. Finally, I was just about to succumb and taste the liquid when the wind turned from a slight breeze to a gale.

Nature makes us do some things which we'd rather pretend we were too intelligent to do ,doesn't it.

I turned to face the wind and nearly fell over. And I nearly needed an underwear change.

Coming towards me were two huge clawed feet. For the moment I could only focus on the talons - they were a decent twelve inches long and looked sharp enough to cut paper. Then the buffeting really hit me and I realised that the feet were attached to thick, dark red, scaly legs.

Oh my lord.

Enormously tallon'ed feet. Check.

Red scaly legs. Check.

Red scaly body. Check.

Twenty foot long tail. Check.

Hundred-foot span wings. Check.

Fifteen foot long body. Check.

Five foot long neck. Check.

Four foot wide head, with a mouth that could swallow a small car. Check.

Steam coming from its nostrils. Check.

Hellfire!

Literally; a dragon was bearing down on me.

I wouldn't say I flinched. I'd more say I collapsed with fright.

The dragon landed and folded its wings against its body.

It spoke.

I'm serious here.

It spoke.

You've not lived until you've heard words from the mouth of a sixty foot flying lizard.

"Father!" It said.

My eyes widened. I tried to speak but my throat was explicably dry. "Uncle Tamoren sent me." The dragon said, tendrils of smoke coming out of his mouth.

"You're..." I was having trouble speaking. "You're..."

"It's good to see you, Father." The dragon said, with a wide - a very, very wide, smile.

"You're." I nearly managed to speak. "Erm. You've grown." I may have been understating it. Six month ago the dragon was an egg.

"Thanks, Dad!" He said. He seemed excited to see me. He twisted his neck, and made a strangely happy sounding growl.

"So. Uncle Tamoren said we'd better get to the tower before eleven."

"Uncle Tamoren?" I asked, feeling a little silly, "Is that his name?" I shook my head and looked up at the dragon, "I'm sorry but I don't know your name - did he name you?"

"No, silly, I was born with a name."

I blinked.

"I'm Ersatz, father."

"Pleased to meet you, Ersatz." I squinted up at him, a wide smile on my lips. "So, how are you going to get me to the tower?"

He held out a front leg and flexed his claws at me.

"I was going to pick you up."

I felt my bowels twinge and I gulped.

"I think I'll walk."

Have you ever seen a dragon frown? I thought not. It's strange that a face so non-human can have such expression. A little like gromit. "You'll never make it in time."

"Well. It's only magic. Power. And all that. Keys to the tower. All those books."

I looked up at him smiling. "I might have to close my eyes, and we have to not spill all of this," I held the bucket up.

"That's simple." He said with a smile, "I can hold that in my mouth. As long as I don't talk or accidentally swallow it whilst we're flying it should be ok."

"Sure?" I asked as a pair of talons took the bucket from me.

"Sure!" he said, lifting the bucket to his mouth. He stopped with the bucket a couple of feet from his head, "Put your arms straight out, please dad."

I did so. He poured the bucket into his mouth and clamped his jaws shut. He handed the bucket back to me and I held it in my right hand, then lifted both my arms up and held them straight out.

Ersatz grabbed me with his front arms then, with three beats of his wings and a push from his rear legs, leapt into the air.

I felt my knees start knocking as we gained height, one beat of the wings at a time. I decided that this was not like flying in a seven forty seven and I shut my eyes tight.

What a day - I'd found two completely different methods of travel that absolutely terrified me!

I quickly got into the rhythm of the flight - he'd take a couple of wing-beats, which yanked my arms nearly out of their sockets, then he'd glide for a few seconds, then another couple of beats of his wings; and so on.

It felt as I imagine bungie jumping would feel. Strange that I've never felt the urge eh?

After the first time he glided, I closed my eyes. Seeing the ground rushing towards me at that sort of speed was a lot like jumping off a large building; the sort of thing most people only get to see at most once; and then they don't have to see the ground lurch away again then come back.

Trust me, if you have the option - don't Fly Dragon.

Finally my arms felt so sore I thought I'd be better off falling to my death - at least it would be over quickly, and suddenly I felt something brush my toes. My eyes opened involuntarily and I realised we were skimming over the top of the trees in Shenley Wood. Coming towards us at high velocity was the side of the tower. I screamed. Then my arms were yanked hard again and we gained height; just enough so that, with a relief I can't put into words, he dropped me on the roof.

I bent over and made like the Pope. Now I knew why he kissed the ground after flying.

There was an almighty thump and Ersatz landed next to me. I wobbled to my feet and looked at him. It looked as if he was trying to say something. Then I realised I had an empty bucket in my hand. I reached it up and he bent down and spat the concrete-cows-milk back into the bucket. He coughed a couple of times.

Although my shoulders hurt to buggery I managed to smile, "Thank, Ers!" I proclaimed. He made a strange noise in the back of his throat, a coughy-spluttery noise. He lifted his head and roared - flames shot from his mouth (and steam from his nostrils).

"That stuff tastes awful!" He said, coughing a little smoke as he did. "I need a stiff drink after that." He wriggled his wings. "See ya, Dad!" With a couple of steps and a flap of his wings he jumped from the tower and flew off, spiralling up into the darkness overhead.

I smiled.

My Boy!

Then I remembered my task. I looked about and located a wooden trap door in the roof, wrestled with it for a few minutes until it was up then stepped downwards, towards a flickering light below.

I reached the ground floor - Tamoren stood impatiently by the door - maybe expecting me to come in that way. Mab stood next to him, a haughty look on her face. At the table..

At the table Edith was busy mixing things in a large black hat. Above the table, hanging from a shiny thread was small bird cage, with a canary twittering to itself.

"Lordie!" I exclaimed, rushing towards the table where a pile of my own items stood.

Mab and Tamoren turned to me. He smiled. She didn't.

"He won't have enough time." Mab said in a stage whisper to her brother, "Edith has nearly completed her spell."

I upturned the hat I'd located much earlier this week and started throwing ingredients into it, mouthing words of magic as I did.

Out of the corner of my eyes I could see the blond girl, she was taking things a lot slower than I was, maybe more methodical, but nonetheless, slower. I smiled. At least my concrete lactate was fresh from the deformed giant badger!

I stirred this, folded that and whispered the other as fast as I could. I wasn't fast enough.

There was only one bird in that cage. The spell said that the person with the bird magic'd into their hat at midnight could claim the prize.

I looked at the wall - a large clock showed both hands nearly at the top.

Then, Edith cleared her throat and tapped a wand on the edge of her top hat. She spoke words of power and delight. There was a small "POOF!" from the cage simultaneously with a "BAMF!" from inside her hat. I could just see a wisp of smoke and the faint smell of burning feathers. The clock started to strike midnight.

I smiled, tapped my wand on the side of my hat and spoke words of wonder. The clock continued to strike.

There was a small "POOF!" from her hat at the same time as a "BAMF!" from inside my hat. I spoke a couple more words of magic and two ice cubes appeared in my hand. I slipped my hand into my hat and stroked the canary's tail feathers where Edith had used just a little too much magic.

The clock struck its twelth.

"CHEAT!" Screamed Mab, pointing at me. "SHE DID IT FIRST!" Mab was pointing a furiously waving hand at Edith.

Tamoren laughed a low laugh. "One of them will find the key in their hat."

Edith thrust her hand into her hat, "Ouch!" She screamed at she touched the base - she must have used a bit more magic than I thought, because it sizzled at the touch of her flesh. I gently cradled the canary out of my hat. There was another one "POOF" and "BAMF", the canary was back in its cage and I felt something large and heavy in my hand.

"He's got the key!" Mab screamed at Edith, "Take it girl, take it!"

Edith shook her head. "He has the key." She spoke, a quiet voice to balance off Mab's wailing, "It's his key now." She seemed more than downcast - more broken.

I looked at Mab "You're not welcome in my tower." I said, level and solid. She scowled at me and was about to say something else when a wind with the force of a hurricane arose from nowhere and blew her out the door.

Edith looked at me, her eyes quickly dropping to the floor.

"You're welcome here." I told her, then again, as is my want, "You're welcome here." Tamoren coughed at me.

"Ah yes." I said, gaining my reason, "As long as you don't bring Mab with you."